In one of her dating profile photos, the author shares, “This picture captures a moment at a friend’s wedding where I had the honor of being a bridesmaid.”
A year ago, if you had told me that I would get emotional thinking about “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” I would have laughed. Since its release in 2002, I have always adored that film. Even now, my family asks me to do impressions of the aunt and father from the movie. Although we are Argentine Jews and they were Greek Orthodox Christians, our close-knit and loud nature, as well as our love for celebrations and traditions, made us feel a connection to the characters in the film.
When I received a message on a dating app from a guy who playfully compared his family to the one in a movie, I couldn’t help but feel a surge of excitement. Our relationship began in October, and during our first date, we delved into a captivating discussion about the striking resemblances between his Greek family’s culture and my own Jewish heritage.
By Thanksgiving, we had made our relationship official. I had the opportunity to attend his family’s Thanksgiving celebration, which I affectionately called “My Big Fat Greek Thanksgiving.” There, I was introduced as “the new girlfriend” to his extended family, including aunts, uncles, and cousins. We also took a trip to my hometown in upstate New York, where he had the chance to meet my dad and my older brother’s family. Our dating experience was going well, as we had a strong connection. What set him apart from most of the men I’ve dated was his excellent communication skills and willingness to be vulnerable, which I value in a partner. Even our pets seemed to sense that we were a good match.
I was filled with excitement when I received an invitation from his mom to join their family’s Christmas celebration, which was scheduled for January 7th. Despite being raised by interfaith parents and personally identifying as Jewish, I was no stranger to Christianity. There had been occasions when I attended Mass services with friends and family, but I had never experienced a Greek Orthodox service before.
During one of our FaceTime calls, I asked my boyfriend if I would be expected to attend Christmas Mass in addition to the family get-together. He hesitated for a moment and then informed me that I wouldn’t be going.
“I’m struggling to find the right words,” he said hesitantly, averting his gaze from the screen. “They won’t let you in because you’re Jewish.”
Glancing at my phone, I couldn’t help but double-check the year. It was 2022, not 1938. I found myself at a loss for words, which was a rare occurrence for me. The conversation slowly faded away, and I bid my farewell, still in a state of shock from what I had just heard. Where did my boyfriend, who was usually such a good communicator, go wrong? What had I overlooked?
I had hardly dated all year until he sent that thoughtful first message on a dating app. After over a decade of dating experiences, I was feeling exhausted. It was amusing for my friends and family to hear my stories about terrible dates, and I was happy to make them laugh. However, I was also worn out from years of engaging in small talk, carrying conversations, and putting in effort that was rarely reciprocated. A few years ago, I went through a heartbreak that left me in tears, with a red face and no appetite. Since then, I had been hesitant to pursue anything serious with the men I met. While they weren’t all terrible, none of them seemed to have the potential for a lifelong partnership that I was seeking.
“I took this photo while I was on a solo hike,” she writes, showcasing one of her dating profile photos.
If someone had told me that I would soon find myself in a genuinely enjoyable and healthy relationship with a new boyfriend, I would have laughed and thought, “Yeah, right.” However, every time I came home from a date with him, I never wished I had stayed on my couch. Our conversations were engaging, he had a great sense of humor, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. After the bleakness of 2020 due to COVID-19, I desperately needed this. It was the first time I had ever thought, “Wow, this guy would be a lot of fun to share my life with.”
The next day, when I FaceTimed my boyfriend, I was filled with a sense of dread. I knew I had to ask him a difficult question: “What would happen if, in the distant future, you were to marry a Jewish woman or someone who is not Greek Orthodox?”
According to him, in the case of a Jewish individual, they would need to convert to Greek Orthodox. However, if the person were Christian but not Greek Orthodox, it could still be possible as long as they have been baptized.
As I took a breath, my chest tightened with anticipation. Being Jewish is an integral part of my identity, and I have a deep connection to my heritage. Although my mother’s side of the family is Christian, I was never baptized. My family roots trace back to Sephardic and Ashkenazi Jewish communities from Spain, Turkey, Russia, and Germany, all of whom eventually settled in Argentina. Growing up, I was instilled with a profound admiration and devotion towards my ancestors and the rich Jewish culture. It fills me with immense pride to identify as Jewish.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t convert,” I confessed to him. Deep down, he must have anticipated my response – I had previously shared with him my profound connection to Judaism. He didn’t want to burden me with the request to convert.”
We found ourselves in a state of complete stagnation.
As I faced this challenge, my mind immediately jumped into problem-solving mode. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a possible solution. After all, I recalled that one of his relatives had recently tied the knot in a non-traditional wedding venue.
“I long for the Greek Orthodox wedding experience,” my boyfriend sighed with longing. He expressed his desire for our marriage to be blessed by the church and for us to have a ceremony within his parish. As we stared at each other through our iPhone cameras, a wave of uncertainty washed over me because I understood exactly what he meant. While I had never been the type of little girl who dreams about her wedding day, I knew that if I were to marry someone, I wanted Jewish traditions to be a part of it. I envisioned a celebration filled with cherished customs like the chuppah, the breaking of the glass, and the joyous moment of being lifted up in chairs while loved ones danced the hora around us. In essence, I yearned for “My Big Fat Jewish Wedding,” so to speak. However, I was also open to the idea of blending our respective traditions together, just as we would blend the rest of our lives as a couple.
As tears streamed down my face, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. It dawned on me that we had never delved deep into the religions of our families, and now I realize how crucial that conversation was. The observance of Judaism encompasses a vast range of practices. For the conservative and orthodox communities, traditions and religion intertwine harmoniously. However, for many secular or Reform Jews, traditions are cherished more from a cultural perspective.
I was unaware that the dynamics might be different within the Greek Orthodox community. I mentioned that there are successful relationships between Greek Orthodox and Jewish individuals. However, my boyfriend clarified that his family follows the “old calendar” Greek Orthodox tradition, which is more conservative compared to the “new calendar” Greek Orthodox followed by those other couples.
I couldn’t wait for New Year’s Eve, as it meant spending quality time with my boyfriend and his friends and attending his family’s Christmas party. The highlight of the evening for me was the opportunity to showcase my baklava-making skills, which I had mastered with a little assistance in the past. The thought of having my boyfriend by my side at the upcoming Passover Seder also filled me with excitement. I even dared to imagine a future where we would celebrate “My Big Fat Greek Jewish Wedding.”
From my extensive experience in the dating world, I’ve learned the importance of recognizing when it’s time to gracefully exit a situation. It’s crucial not to prolong the inevitable.
Standing at the base of Masada mountain in Israel, I prepared myself for the challenging hike ahead. This was no ordinary trek; it held a special significance for me. It was here, at the top of this majestic mountain, that I would have my bat mitzvah ceremony.
“I don’t want to break up if I can’t give you what you want and convert,” I exclaimed, waving my hands in a dramatic manner that would be familiar to anyone of Jewish or Greek descent. “However, should we continue dating?”
We both agreed that it was not the right thing to do.
That was the end of the story.
Breaking up over religious differences was something I had never done before. While I had ended relationships due to disagreements about various topics like having children or political beliefs, religion had never been a dealbreaker for me. If someone had asked me whether I would ever break up with a man I was falling in love with because of his religious beliefs, be it Greek Orthodox or any other, I wouldn’t have even entertained the thought.
In life, unexpected things are bound to happen. When I was dating, I believed that the most effective way to protect against potential deal breakers was to be honest and include them in my profile. This way, there would be no room for guessing or misunderstandings about my preferences. Any guy who came across my profile could easily see that I leaned towards the left politically, had mixed feelings about having children (though I was more inclined towards not having any), and identified with Jewish culture. However, simply stating these aspects wasn’t sufficient.
When it comes to seeking a long-term, serious commitment, certain details warrant thorough discussions. While these may not hold much significance for those solely interested in casual hookups, religion often becomes an important topic before things become serious. For individuals whose faith plays a significant role in their lives, it naturally becomes a crucial aspect of their future. Moreover, if a future with your partner is envisioned, their perspective on religion becomes equally relevant.
Defining what constitutes as “significant” is crucial. It’s not necessary for an individual to attend religious services on a daily basis in order to find religion meaningful or consider it a priority when selecting a partner. It’s ultimately your decision to determine whether religion is a deal breaker for you and the extent to which you’re willing to make sacrifices for your partner’s comfort and beliefs. While some people may assume that religion won’t play a substantial role in dating, particularly in today’s society, there are others for whom religion holds a significant and defining place in their identity.
Being Jewish profoundly influences my perspective on the world and shapes how I engage with it. It impacts my choices in celebrating significant milestones, my appreciation for history and storytelling, and even my sense of humor. I recognize that religion holds a similar significance for others as well. Although I personally believe that two distinct religions and their respective traditions can coexist and be respected within a relationship, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone shares this viewpoint, including fellow Jewish individuals.
In the year 2023, individuals possess the autonomy to establish their own personal boundaries. Through a difficult personal experience, I discovered the importance of addressing these boundaries early on in a dating relationship. Failing to do so can result in significant complications and even the demise of the relationship. Although I feel a sense of sadness over the breakup with my ex-partner, as I genuinely cared for him and believed our relationship had potential, I have come to terms with the outcome. In fact, I take pride in remaining authentic to myself and my identity throughout the process. However, I am determined to avoid encountering a similar situation in the future.
When I decide to enter the dating scene again, I will definitely consider all the important topics, including religion, that should be discussed before getting deeply involved in a relationship.
Breaking up with someone can be a difficult experience, even when it is done out of consideration for your family’s customs and your partner. However, I am open to the opportunities that lie ahead, to meeting new individuals, and to embracing new adventures. Who knows what the future holds? While I can only imagine, I hope that it brings with it delightful surprises. Perhaps, one day, I will even find humor in unexpected places once more.
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