Death is a reality that awaits all of us, sooner or later. It’s a thought that may occupy our minds frequently or rarely, if at all.
The knowledge of our own mortality is both a tragic and remarkable aspect of being human. It is the awareness that everything we have accomplished, everything we hold dear, and everything that defines us will eventually fade away into nothingness. This realization is both a burden and a gift.
In July 2019, as I toured the southern United States with my band, I found myself on cloud nine. Renting an RV and performing on big stages to packed rooms every night was a dream come true. On my birthday, I was overwhelmed with joy as I belted out my songs to a crowd of over a thousand people who passionately sang my lyrics back to me late into the night. The experience was incredible, and I couldn’t help but believe that the coming year would bring even greater things.
In the afternoon of a Wednesday in October 2019, my dad gave me a call, just three months after our last conversation.
“Hey there, buddy.”
As soon as I heard his labored and hoarse voice, I could tell that he was not in good health.
I immediately asked, “What is the matter?”
“I’m being admitted to the hospital because of my liver. They haven’t assigned a bed to me yet, but I’m on the waiting list.”
My father was a formidable individual. He single-handedly raised me, and as an only child, our bond was unbreakable. While we certainly faced our fair share of challenges and disagreements, my connection with him was what kept me rooted and anchored to this world.
It was a complete surprise when he fell ill as he had no preexisting conditions and was not an alcoholic like many liver patients. I was taken aback by his sudden hospitalization and made it a point to spend as much time as possible with him.
On December 9, 2019, I found myself listening to the physician as he shared the time of death with my family. In that moment, I felt a profound sense of loss, as if a part of me had also left with the departed soul.
The months that followed were incredibly challenging for me. I witnessed his painful struggle against illness, as if it haunted my nightmares. Every time I closed my eyes, he appeared before me, a haunting specter of judgment and blame. I couldn’t help but obsess over the possibilities of saving him if only I had done things differently. Did I ask the right questions to the doctors? Was there something important that I overlooked? Even during my waking hours, I couldn’t escape his ghostly presence. Vivid images of his agonizing last moments played over and over in my mind. The weight of these memories took a toll on me both mentally and physically, and it became increasingly difficult to move forward.
I received a phone call informing me about a tragic incident. My mom was found lifeless in her apartment. The authorities estimated that she had been in that state for approximately two weeks, judging by the state of her decomposed body. The exact cause of her death remained a mystery, although it was known that she had struggled with alcohol and drug addiction, as well as hypertension. Deep down, I had always feared that she would succumb to an overdose.
It turns out that she had been struggling with a respiratory flu. The call came through on a Tuesday. Just a few days later, on Friday the 13th, the United States declared a national emergency due to the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak, and the subsequent quarantine measures were put in place.
Even though I had the support of my family, friends, loved ones, and my incredible partner (now my wife), I still experienced a deep sense of loneliness. It was as if I was in a state of shock, feeling a constant ringing in my ears. Nightmares and haunting visions of my dad’s harrowing struggle with death played out vividly in my dreams and even during my waking moments.
I have delved into books that explore the concept of life after death, including near-death experiences. I have also delved into the scientific and philosophical inquiries surrounding the nature of consciousness and what happens to it when we pass away. Throughout this exploration, I experienced a significant shift in my perspective. I began to entertain the belief that perhaps the spirit continues to exist in some form after death, rather than ceasing to exist altogether. This newfound perspective brought me some solace and comfort.
I took a break from playing music for a few months. When I eventually stepped into my music room, I felt a sense of timidity and fear. However, as I started playing, something stirred within me. Emotions began to well up, and a spark of passion reignited. In the midst of my despair, music became an even greater source of solace and spiritual connection. I dimmed the lights and poured my heart into writing songs. I sang and strummed my guitar, feeling a mixture of both sadness and sweetness. For hours, I played and let tears flow freely.
In October 2020, I made the decision to undergo a biopsy for a swollen lymph node in my neck that had persisted since spring. With my wife by my side, we found ourselves in a familiar hospital room where, less than a year ago, I had sat with my father. As the doctor examined the sample under a microscope, I noticed a hint of unease in their demeanor. They delivered the news with a mix of surprise and concern, “I must inform you that you have metastatic papillary thyroid carcinoma… thyroid cancer. It has spread to the lymph nodes on the right side of your neck.”
A profound shift in consciousness took over me at that very moment. A revelation dawned upon me, igniting a strong desire to embrace life. Despite the darkness and suffering, the fear and the looming threat of continuous devastation, I yearned to prevail. The upcoming surgery to remove my thyroid, along with all the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck, posed the risk of losing my singing voice, potentially permanently.
I completely lost my voice due to cancer. The tumor was tightly entwined around my right vocal nerve, requiring it to be carefully scraped off. Unfortunately, this meant that the nerve could no longer stimulate my vocal cord. Thankfully, my surgeon did not have to remove the nerve entirely, as that would have meant the end of my singing career.
In an unexpected turn of events, the surgery I underwent resulted in a rare complication that affected my right shoulder. Specifically, the irritation to the spinal accessory nerve, responsible for stimulating and controlling the trapezius muscle, left me with severe weakness in my shoulder. As a consequence, not only did I lose my ability to sing, but I also lacked the strength required to play my guitar.
Losing both of my parents was a devastating experience that left me feeling lost and broken. In the midst of my grief, I turned to music as a source of solace and healing. Songwriting became my outlet for exploring my emotions and rebuilding myself after the trauma. However, when I faced the prospect of surgery and the possibility of losing my connection to music, fear consumed me. These experiences stripped me down to my very core, exposing a vulnerability I had never felt before.
As time passed, I persevered in my pursuit of singing. Gradually, I managed to stimulate movement in my vocal cords. The faint whisper transformed into a raspy croak, which then evolved into a soft and hoarse note. Eventually, I regained the ability to sing with full vigor. Similarly, with the aid of physical therapy, my shoulder strength gradually returned, enabling me to once again play my guitar.
Experiencing all of this allowed me to perceive life from a fresh perspective. The sun’s warmth on my face became even more comforting. The flavor of coffee became even more captivating and enjoyable. When I picked up my guitar again, it wasn’t out of obligation, but purely for the love of it. I composed songs from a different mindset, tapping into a newfound source of inspiration. I rediscovered the sheer pleasure of playing and creating music. Life is fleeting, and everything eventually comes to an end, whether good or bad. I immersed myself in the study of the guitar once more, honing my skills in ways that I hadn’t done in a long while. Music became my personal form of therapy.
In 2022, I embarked on a musical journey that led me to write songs and establish a fresh band called Bastion Rose. Engaging with the audience during live performances, we began showcasing our repertoire. The experience was truly remarkable, as I could feel that I was creating some of the most exceptional material of my entire career. I was filled with a sense of excitement knowing that there was so much more potential waiting to be explored.
I reached out to producer David Bottrill with a demo of our song “Coming for You,” hoping he would be interested in producing our EP. David is a highly acclaimed producer, having won three Grammy Awards for his work with bands like Tool, Smashing Pumpkins, Godsmack, and Coheed and Cambria. He has also collaborated with renowned acts such as Rush, Muse, Mastodon, Crown Lands, and Peter Gabriel. I’ve always admired the sound of his records, many of which are among my personal favorites.
After waiting for several weeks, I began to lose hope of ever hearing from him. However, to my surprise, it was David’s manager who contacted me and informed me that David had listened to the track and was interested in collaborating on a record together. I was ecstatic! In November 2022, we entered the studio and worked on the “Fade to Blue” EP. This project turned out to be a huge success as it not only landed us a record label contract but also paved the way for a new record that we are currently working on with David Bottrill.
During that period, I had a profound realization that life holds immense value. It is worth cherishing and embracing, despite the challenges and the certainty of its eventual end. Just like the beauty of roses, which are worth nurturing despite their inevitable decay, life is a precious gift. This realization has become a cornerstone of my existence, and I aim to continually draw strength from it, using it as a fortress against fear and despair.
During times of great misfortune, it’s common to feel as if the universe has singled you out. The weight of circumstances that you have no control over can be overwhelming, leading you to believe that this misery was specifically crafted for you by a cruel and intelligent force.
Viewing life as a gift requires great courage and creativity. Life is a fleeting and enigmatic journey, filled with numerous challenges from the moment we are born until the day of our death. However, every moment holds immense value, offering us the opportunity to experience profound emotions, learn, love, inspire, and be inspired. Through my journey as an artist, my connection with life and people has become more genuine and meaningful.
Life is a mysterious journey, where each day holds the potential to be either a curse or a blessing. It is up to us to determine the significance and purpose in our lives. We have the power to be the creators of light and darkness, of dreams and anxieties, and of life and mortality. Austin Frink, hailing from Bloomington, Indiana, is the talented musician, songwriter, and recording artist behind Bastion Rose. His artistic endeavors delve into the realms of poetry and prose, delving into the intricate nature and profound meaning of the human experience.
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