When I came into this world, my mother was just 13 years old and living in Washington, D.C. She managed to keep her pregnancy hidden until a few weeks before my arrival, but it was the last secret she ever kept from her own mother – a fact that I made sure of.
My mother single-handedly raised me, with the assistance of my two grandmothers who were both single mothers in their 40s and had 14 children of their own combined. Interestingly enough, my mother was the youngest of them all.
Right from the beginning, I was a community baby, always trailing behind my teenage parents, aunts, uncles, and godmother. They were always on the go and didn’t have the luxury of indulging in baby talk or waiting for a slow walker like me.
As a child, I cherished the moments when my grandmother hosted her card game parties. While the elderly ladies engaged in their games, I would often sneak in for a quick dance or two before being sent upstairs. Looking back, those joyous memories are still vivid in my mind, as they laid the groundwork for the person I have become today.
When my mother gave birth to her second child, I felt an immediate sense of duty to become a protector and caregiver for my younger brother. Despite being young myself, I took on the responsibility of looking after another human being, and it had a significant impact on my life.
While my mother provided the shelter and guidelines, I took care of everything else, from sterilizing bottles to running errands like grocery shopping and doing laundry.
Every morning, my father and I had to take a cab to get to my elementary school since we lived far away. However, we often fell victim to unscrupulous drivers, who would take advantage of us in various ways. They would inflate the taxi fare, make unwanted advances towards me, or even drop us off far away from our intended destination. It was a common practice that we had to endure every day, despite the inconvenience and unpleasant experiences.
As my little brother and I continued our journey, I took on the responsibility of carrying both my own backpack and his diaper bag. I soon became skilled at identifying potential dangers and avoiding them, not only to keep myself safe, but also to protect the vulnerable person in my care.
I have a vivid memory of a time when we faced a power outage, and we had to make a trip to the Pepco building in D.C. to speak with their representatives about our financial situation. I can still recall one lady who asked me, “Who is accompanying you?” while she gazed at an 11-year-old me, attempting to negotiate the restoration of our electricity.
When I was 14, I had a new addition to the family in the form of a baby brother. From then on, I always had two kids to look after. In fact, I spent so much time with the youngest one during high school that some people even mistook him for my own child.
Growing up, I was accustomed to this way of life. It never occurred to me that we were lacking anything. It was simply the reality I knew and accepted. I felt an abundance of love from my mother, grandmother, and the community that surrounded me.
At the age of 17, I found myself frequently leaving and returning to school, as I was following the only path that had been modeled for me. It wasn’t that I lacked interest in my education – quite the opposite, in fact. However, during this period of my life, I was mainly focused on fulfilling various needs.
I never felt the need to divulge the source of the money to my mother, and she never asked. Whenever there were any needs that had to be met, I did my best to provide for them.
It was the year I found out I was pregnant. I can still recall the day when my mom helped me put on my coat and discovered a note from the doctor in the pocket. As she read the note, she uttered these words, “Get yourself prepared to embrace motherhood as abortion is not a means of contraception.”
As the news began to spread, I found myself feeling incredibly overwhelmed by the constant stream of people around me who were congratulating me on becoming a mother. However, the truth was that I didn’t feel ready to take on such a significant responsibility myself. It was a challenging time, and I struggled to come to terms with the situation.
When I reached out to my grandmother for support, she reminded me of my inner strength and resilience. With a gentle but firm tone, she said, “You’ve never allowed the words of others to weigh you down, don’t start now.” Her words were a powerful reminder that I am capable of overcoming any obstacle that comes my way. She also reassured me that I am not alone, and that both she and my mother will be there to support me through this difficult time.
I am grateful to this day for these words and the encouragement they provided. They were all I needed to keep moving forward.
As a mother, I found myself in a difficult situation where my daughter, Laniayyah, and I had to live out of my car. Our nights were spent either on a friend’s couch or on my grandmother’s floor. It was a tough reality, and I had to make do with what I had. I remember washing Laniayyah’s formula bottles with a gallon jug of water that I kept in my trunk. It was a challenging time, but I did everything in my power to provide for my daughter.
After achieving my GED, I spent years striving to improve and better myself. However, I soon realized that although I was proud of my accomplishment, potential employers were not impressed with this educational achievement.
As I searched for employment opportunities, I faced rejection after rejection. My physical appearance, which included being a black woman with a plus-size figure and natural hair, along with my southern, urban accent and having only a GED qualification, did not fit the mold of the ideal candidate that most employers were seeking.
I didn’t always receive fair or respectful treatment from the opportunities I managed to secure. However, these experiences taught me valuable lessons in interacting with diverse groups of people and carving out a space for myself. I learned the importance of staying true to my identity and being resilient in the face of misperceptions.
As I dove into my role, I eagerly soaked up information from adjacent positions and higher-ups on the ladder. Despite my efforts, I often felt unheard and overlooked. Nonetheless, I remained determined to learn and grow.
Like most tales of this nature, I was eventually caught. Though I had been in trouble for stealing in the past, this time was different. The toys I had taken were of significant value, leading to a felony charge being brought against me.
I recall thinking to myself at that moment, “I am doing this for my child because I don’t want her to miss out on the same opportunities I did. However, if I get caught and put away, I won’t be there for her at all.”
As I reflected on the situation, I realized that it was a crucial turning point in my life. Despite all the challenges and hardships we had already faced, I understood that losing my cool over a few Christmas presents was not worth it. This realization set me on a new path. I knew that if I kept doing what I had always done, I would never achieve anything beyond my current circumstances. It was time to take control and chart a new course.
Looking back to the past, I am now a college graduate with a master’s degree and a successful business owner, all thanks to my promise to my grandmother. I currently manage an HR consulting firm that focuses on assisting businesses and non-profit organizations in creating a sense of inclusivity for their employees. This is achieved through implementing updated policies, enhancing processes, improving employee relations, and other similar measures.
As a young Black woman with dreads, I found myself in a constant battle to be accepted. But even now, years later, the fight for belonging continues.
In my professional journey, I have often been brought on board as a young Black mother to fulfill diversity quotas. However, despite securing a place in the organization, I seldom received a warm and supportive environment.
I have a vivid memory of getting scolded for requesting to leave work at 4:45 pm instead of 5 pm to collect my daughter from school situated 20 miles away. Unfortunately, the lady I was working for at that time couldn’t empathize with my situation as it was beyond her personal life and experience.
I used to have long dreadlocks that I eventually decided to cut off because they felt too heavy. Interestingly, I was promoted shortly after getting rid of my locks. One of the executives even commented, “See what happens when you cut your hair? Things change.”
I have an abundance of stories like that one. On a particular occasion, while someone was perusing my resume, they inquired, “Who penned this? It’s exceptionally well-written.”
When I told her that I had written it, she was taken aback. The writing was of high quality and quite distinct from how I usually speak. I could tell that’s what she was thinking. My speaking style is a blend of urban D.C. tone with a hint of country twang, and I take great pride in being authentic.
As I reflect on my journey, I realize that these experiences have played a crucial role in shaping me and laying the foundation for my thriving business. Despite the strides we’ve made as a society, the harsh reality is that discrimination and microaggressions continue to plague the lives of many. We still have a long way to go in creating a more inclusive and equitable world for all.
Looking back at my past memories, they seem insignificant compared to a recent professional encounter that left me feeling more vulnerable and scared than ever before.
As we collaborated with our client, our main goal was to assist them in developing modern HR strategies that could enhance their business operations. The world of HR has transformed significantly in recent years, and much of their existing practices were obsolete and causing them to waste precious resources and funds.
When I joined the company, the person in charge of HR had been there for a long time. Unfortunately, when my company came in to take over the HR duties, she wasn’t exactly thrilled to see me. While she remained professional, it was clear that she didn’t fully embrace us or our work.
To be honest, it seemed like she took our suggestions as a personal attack, despite the fact that our goal was to improve her work and reduce any potential risks for the organization.
During one particular meeting with her, our team, and their CEO, she displayed a great deal of apprehension and was even somewhat unpleasant when discussing a new implementation. Despite this, we pushed forward with the plan, and soon after, I departed for a vacation.
Upon my return, they informed me that a background check had been conducted and it revealed the felony charge from more than 20 years ago.
During our engagement, the CEO, whom I had known and worked with before, unexpectedly requested me to provide proof of the hours worked for my business. It caught me off guard, and when they eventually presented their findings, I felt devastated.
The feeling of humiliation washed over me as I recalled the past. For so long, I believed that keeping this aspect of my past hidden was necessary to avoid facing harsh criticism. Unfortunately, my fears were validated.
Despite accomplishing numerous things and making a positive impact on my life and the lives of others, including my successful daughter, I still feel ridiculed and judged.
The pain remains with me.
Initially, my thoughts were consumed by the realization that I am a business owner responsible for the livelihoods of my employees, including my daughter, who depend on this business to provide for themselves and their families.
If my other clients were to hear about this, would I end up losing everything?
I had to readjust my workforce after losing that contract. It was a difficult decision, but I realized that I had to be transparent with my other clients about the situation. I didn’t want them to hear about it from someone else before hearing it from me.
In 2023, I experienced a moment that shook me to my core and left me feeling completely broken. Despite surviving through homelessness and eviction with a child, this particular event filled me with fear like never before. For six weeks straight, I found myself crying uncontrollably, unable to shake the overwhelming emotions that had taken hold of me.
When I shared the complete story with one of my CEO clients, he simply asked me, “What’s the point?”
As I recall, he was spot-on with his observation. “The reason companies require individuals like you is because you possess a unique perspective that others simply lack,” he stated.
During a conversation, one of my clients expressed relief at being able to avoid discussing a past action. This made our subsequent conversations much smoother. Another client, a white man, shared his frustration with the fact that individuals from marginalized communities, such as myself, often have to justify things we did years ago. He empathized with my situation and found it infuriating that I had to go through such experiences.
The subsequent discussions were all alike.
“We entrust you with managing our $20 million payroll. The responsibility of overseeing these credit cards falls on you. You are the one who ensures our audits are conducted flawlessly and everything is cleared. We judge you based on your present self and are delighted that your past experiences did not have a negative impact on your character. In fact, it helped shape you into the remarkable individual you are today.”
In 2024, we aspire to receive such a response.
I have learned a significant lesson from my experiences, and that is that the fight never truly ends. It is not a fairy tale with a happy ending, but rather a constant struggle. It is not a journey where one can say, “I’ve made it through all the challenges, and now I am running a successful business.” The truth is that I still encounter these same challenges every day. It’s more like a Sneaker Ball than a Cinderella story.
I take the time to celebrate each and every victory that comes my way. It fills me with gratitude to know that I possessed the determination and resilience to overcome obstacles that could have easily taken others out of the game.
As I go about my daily routine, I often ponder on the question, “What will my next fight be like?” My strategy is to always be one step ahead of my opponents by being quick and agile, and sticking to my tried and tested techniques. I will continue to push myself to the limit by working tirelessly and increasing my mental agility.
Despite facing judgment based on my appearance and past experiences, I firmly believe in our resilience as humans. It’s disheartening when people fail to see beyond the external factors and truly comprehend the person I have transformed into. Nonetheless, I refuse to let such negativity deter me from being my authentic self and striving towards my goals.
My top priority is to continue providing assistance to people.
Let’s turn the tables on those who refuse to accept our presence. And when I say “our,” I’m not just referring to Black women like myself. This is something that affects everyone, regardless of race, gender, or background. It’s a widespread issue that needs to be addressed.
Using my voice is something that I have come to understand as vital. It can be daunting, and at this very moment, I must admit that I am scared to share my thoughts.
It’s been two decades of keeping quiet, but now is the time to speak my truth. It’s time to share my story, embrace my identity, and acknowledge the struggles I’ve overcome. Perhaps most importantly, it’s time to demonstrate to others that staying true to oneself, even in the face of prejudice, is the path towards progress.
Magnificent Differences Consulting is an HR partnership firm led by the proficient Lakia Elam.
These are the author’s personal opinions and perspectives being presented.
Shane Croucher was the one who received the following information.